I often didn't know whether to laugh or cry while reading Welcome to the Departure Lounge: Adventures in Mothering Mother, by Meg Federico, so I ended up doing some of both. This is a wonderfully honest memoir of Federico's "adventures in mothering mother" (as the subtitle puts it) during her mother's final decline. It is by turns tragic and funny, and it should probably be on the required reading list for anyone dealing with the care of an aging parent. Federico's 81-year-old mother Addie, a patrician New Jersey matron, lives a topsy-turvy life with her volatile new husband Walter. Walter has Alzheimer's, and Addie is frail and nearly blind, and despite various spills and alcohol-fueled thrills, Addie and Walter refuse to stay put in a nursing home. So Federico and Walter's daughter Cathy set up a precarious home-care situation for Addie and Walter, helped out by a hodge-podge of hired health-care workers, and overseen part-time by Federico, her brother, and Cathy. And it is this crazy situation at home that comes to be known as the Departure Lounge.
So much of what goes on in the Departure Lounge is absolutely appalling, but Federico is able to see the humor in every situation, and writes with poignancy and warmth about the good, the bad, and the ugly of elder care. She also writes with insight about how becoming her mother's caregiver transformed their very complicated parent-child relationship.
This relationship was fascinating to me because of its complications. Addie was a rich, mid-20th century wife and mother who raised children the way upper-middle class WASPs raised them then--with lots of criticism, judgement, and rules, without listening to them, and even tying them to the bed at night if they got up and inconvenienced you with night wanderings. The stories of how Federico's mother treated her were horrifying to me from today's perspective, but it was also interesting to see how Federico came to terms with her mother's rotten parenting style, and how she came to, if not forgive her, at least feel she more fully understood her mother and where she came from.
That the author could write about some of this heartbreaking stuff with such grace and wit was why I would recommend the book. It's a bittersweet memoir, one with important lessons for us all.
This relationship was fascinating to me because of its complications. Addie was a rich, mid-20th century wife and mother who raised children the way upper-middle class WASPs raised them then--with lots of criticism, judgement, and rules, without listening to them, and even tying them to the bed at night if they got up and inconvenienced you with night wanderings. The stories of how Federico's mother treated her were horrifying to me from today's perspective, but it was also interesting to see how Federico came to terms with her mother's rotten parenting style, and how she came to, if not forgive her, at least feel she more fully understood her mother and where she came from.
That the author could write about some of this heartbreaking stuff with such grace and wit was why I would recommend the book. It's a bittersweet memoir, one with important lessons for us all.
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10 comments:
This does sound like the sort of book that brings out a little of all the emotions. My parents are still in good health, but I know that this is something I will probably have to deal with at some point. I may just check this one out. Thanks.
Thanks for the review! Have you read "Alice Still" yet? So good, but so sad. You can find a review on my blog, if you're interested! :)
Lisa--Yes! My parents are still in good health but definitely getting older, and so many of my friends have had to deal with this kind of stuff--inevitable, so I guess good to think about ahead of time :)
bookwormz--Have not read Alice Still yet, but will definitely check it out. Thanks!
I do want to read this book but I admit I'm a bit hesitant. I cared for my dad who was terminally ill and of course now I'm there for my aging mom. And, I'm an only child. So, it's scary, hard and very emotional. But, I do want to read the book. Hopefully it'll serve as a reminder that we all go through this and we just have to learn to accept and take care of our parents and ourselves. Thank you for the review!
Iliana--I completely understand your hesitation! We went through some difficulties with my mother-in-law's terminal illness. My dad is 81 and in pretty good health, but as my dad says, "it's hell to get old," and we all face these challenges with our parents. It's definitely a difficult book, but still manages to be funny, somehow...
You can imagine I am very interested in this book, given its topic. My parents are thankfully still young enough that I could read it with a shiver down my spine but no major trauma. :) It sounds very delicately and compassionately done and I'll be looking out for it here in the UK.
litlove--I think if you read this you would be as interested in the author's healing process after her childhood (which she really doesn't go into) as much as I was. I'd love to hear what you think if you ever read the book!
I'm nearly afraid of this kind of book, since I'm hopefully long years away from this kind of situation (although there are moments I see it looming!). But I'm intrigued by this mixture of humor and sorrow you describe and will keep my eye out for this book.
My mother has passed eight years ago so I dealt with a different sort of passing. Emotions burst out all the same, but with a more dreadful and staying power, because of the fact that she and my father wouldn't be growing old together, as they had planned. I would like to read this book and experience that emotion. Departure Lounge is a very genteel title that bespeaks growing old and dying could be very dignified.
matt--I think this is one of those books that brings out many emotions in those of us whose parents are aging, or have passed on already. It's a difficult situation that the writer wrote about with humor, and probably found some closure doing so.
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